Adoption - Day 240

Greetings all.

Well, we heard back from our adoption agency today regarding the mother who is pregnant with a baby girl and is due on April 25th. She chose another family just this week.

It's reasonable to say I'm disappointed and it's easy to allow the "Why not me" flurry of questions to swarm my thoughts, but when I got in the shower this morning, I kid you not, God gave me a gift of a song to encourage me. I was hoping to be able to share the song with my playlist, but it doesn't seem to be up on playlist.com. Here are some of the words:

"Before you let your circumstance tell you how the story ends. Know that His word says you can stand. He'll cover you with His grace. Everything you need is in your hands, so lift up your hands and sing... All things are working for me. Even things I can't see. Your ways are so beyond me. But you said that you would, let it be for my good. So I'll rest and just believe. The truth is He cannot lie, I'm in His hands and I'm on his mind, promised me He'd always be there, so by faith He will answer my prayer"

I tell you what. I sure don't see how this is going to pan out. I have no idea how long we will have to be patient. What I do know is that in moments when I feel disappointed, my faith with remain and I will trust that all things, all things are working for my good. So, if that means I'm going to need to be patient for a year, two years, I'll do it. Doesn't mean it won't hurt like crazy. It just means I won't have to go it alone.

I also really like this Rich Mullins song (I know, old school) that has a lyric that says "People say maybe things will get better. People say maybe it won't be long. People say maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and it'll all be gone. I only know that maybe just ain't enough when you need something to hold on to. There's only one thing that is clear. I know there is bound to come some trouble to [my] life. But that ain't nothing to be afraid of. I know there's bound to come some tears in [my] eyes...just reach out to Jesus, hold on tight. He's been there before and He knows what it's like. [I'll] find He's there."

Yep. That's what I have to say today. Call me preachy, but in my pain and in this struggle and longing to become a mother, I cannot help but shout from the rooftops what keeps me optimistic, what keeps me going, what lifts me up.


On another note, there are some anti-abortion laws that are on the move. HALLELUJAH! (See news story here). I can't help but rejoice when the murder of innocent victims is re-evaluated by our government and progress is made to end thoughtless slaughter.

And...on another note. I got some fabric for the curtains in my bedroom. I am thrilled about them! I've posted photos below of what's to come. Now to sew them. :)

Sorry so heavy today, folks. Not my normal skippity doo dah self, I suppose.

I'm sure next time I will have a more upbeat post about SPRING! Because I love spring! More things to come.

AA

Adoption - Day 217

Whether you enjoy March Madness or the luck of the Irish, a very happy March to you!

An update is long overdue, but part of my hesitation is just that there isn't much to say. It would be dull to post weekly: "We're still waiting." So, today I bring some FUN and EXCITING news!

Since I knew a blog update was overdue, I fired off a, as my mom would say, "kick the can down the road" kind of email. I danced around the issue indecisively in my email, but what I really wanted to know was if our family book had been viewed by any mothers. The last time I checked in with her was in January and she had said 8-9 mothers were about ready to make their decision on a family. Of those 8-9 mothers, several of them have transitioned out of the program and have decided to parent their child, which is great news! I always have to celebrate when a mother decides to keep and love their child, even if that pushes out our "due date" further.

But beyond that, here was her response (get ready, because I was seriously so excited I nearly fell out of my chair with glee...yes, if you are wondering, my hopes are already up...so sue me)

From our rep at An Open Door (adoption agency):
"I just told a caseworker to show your book to birth mother expecting a baby girl on April 25th."

Wow. WOW! So, this blog has two-fold purpose. One purpose is to spread that tid-bit of fun news, keeping in mind that she could very well not choose us and that's completely fine, but if she does...oh man oh man. And two, I figure, why not call in the "troops" and start praying for this mother like ugly on an ape! Regardless if this mother chooses us, she has a big decision ahead of her in the coming week or two. So, I urge you, throw up a prayer for her right now! I mean... put down the sandwich, burger, celery, pie or twinkie and say a quick prayer!! Okay, don't do it if you are driving. And STOP READING THIS BLOG if you are driving. I know, I know...it's SO amazing you just can't wait to read it, but if you must read it at least safely pull over. (haha, oh what a funny image that brings to mind. I highly doubt people flock to their computers to read my little blurbs)

So, now that I've given the commission to prayer for this mother, I must tell you a little about how it feels. I think, at least for me, it gives just a little glimpse of the joy and excitement that will come when we get that actual phone call to say we have a mother who has selected us. Just a small little taste of the joy that comes when I envision holding a pregnancy stick with a "+" on it. I've had a few people tell me not to get my hopes up. Well, the truth is, why not? I'll be disappointed if we don't get select, for sure, but that I get to ride this wave of emotion is spectacular! It's the first time that the emotional connection has really been made to this process. All along I have felt passion, but never deep-belly, tingle-toes joy like I did when I thought about the possibility of April 25th. So, this has been special for me. I know it may be fleeting and may just be a little blessing I get to experience for just a few days, but boy am I thankful.

A gal in my small group at church said last night that her son was asking about a friend of hers who they had prayed would have a baby and now she was going to have one and her son said, "Mommy, did you and daddy pray for a baby, too?" And she responded, "Yes, honey, of course we did." And her son says,"Did you get one?" And she says, "Yes, honey we did." And he says..."What's the baby's name?" Of course she laughed but as soon as she told him that the baby's name was his name he lit up like a Christmas tree. That idea of being wanted, desired and anticipated just can't be beat. So, all I want to say in closing is that little baby Ainley, wherever you are, you are wanted, desired and highly anticipated. We just cannot wait until the day we get to hold you for the first time. It's breathtaking thinking about it.

Thanks for tuning into my blather about all things adoption and other random oddities. Having so many of you talk with me in person about things I have written in my blog really fills my heart with joy. It makes me realize that I'm not alone and that there are people out there who care about this journey. I so appreciate all the love and support we have received. It is certainly not lost on me.

As a quick aside, speaking of people "out there", I was looking at my blog's information and I noticed that I have a few views from China and Australia. If that's you, thanks for tuning in!

Gooday Mates & 再见,

Ashley


PS - I cut my hair (thanks to inspiration from my friend Kymmi!)

Happy Valentines Day!

A little song I threw together to celebrate the day. Click to listen.

My Funny Valentine - Ashley Ainley

Adoption - Day 182

Happy Winter! There's not much in lieu of holidays right now, so a generic "winter" will suffice.

Well, I'm happy to say we are officially on the Adoption Waiting List! Hooray for unnecessary capitalization and for being on the list! It is finally, completely, 100% out of our hands. It's up to that right mother to choose us. Well, we know that all along it's never been in our hands. We know that this whole thing was scripted long ago by God to play out exactly as it has been.

So, now's the hard part, I suppose. All we do is wait. But, I have been talking with our program supervisor and she has told me that there are 8-9 mothers (the number is a moving target, since more mothers join the program and some mothers decide not to adopt all the time) that are about ready to make their decision about a family. Now, we do have to keep in mind that we are 1 of about 30 waiting families, so we could very easily not be selected, too. But the crazy part is that if one of these mothers does select us, we could be parents as early as late March. Um, excuse me did you say March? As in 2011 March? Yes, yes I did. Holy toledo it's time to get a move on! I've got to get a crib, diapers, clothes, curtains, bottles, nursery stuff, baby shampoo, lotion, car seat, stroller, a name we like, a middle name we like, formula, insurance plan, a will, a work plan, a......a........a.........(me.... running for hills)

...20 minutes later.

Wow, okay those pretty hills I can see out my window sure are a lot farther away than I thought. And I realized a jacket might have been a good idea. So, I came back. Back to reality. Back to my senses. So, I guess having a baby means you have to be prepared. I get that. I was just telling a girlfriend the other day that truly, honestly, I have this supernatural peace that I cling to. I mean seriously cling to, like it's going out of style. (Aside: Peace going out of style, let's hope that never happens. Except those peace signs. They can go. I thought they did, but they creep up and sneak into "fashion" every now and again just to remind us that yes, yes, peace can be contorted into something terrible and ridiculous). This peace I have soothes me during those times where I feel so incapable, so unprepared, so inadequate. I have this peace that God showers over me and says that this whole thing was scripted long before I even knew we would be adopting. He's never going to give me more than I can handle and He will always walk beside us through this. Of course everything is going to be okay. If that means our baby wears grocery bags for diapers for the first week, so be it. Disclaimer: Don't worry you CPS folks, I have no intention of putting our infant in a grocery bag. I realize the hazard they are. Sheesh, oversensitive hooligans.

So, we are once again finding ourselves excited. We realize there is much to accomplish before baby comes, not the least of which is finances to pay for this ordeal, but we are trusting that God's going to provide. I've mentioned this before, but I had a friend ask me about it last week. Yes, if you would like to give (and this is my: There is no obligation whatsoever clause) to our adoption fund, you can do so by clicking on the link to the top right of my blog. It will take you to a Paypal account that deposits directly into the fund. No, not our personal vacation fund, it deposits into a bank account called "Itty Bitty Ainley" and the account will only be used for adoption expenses. If this is something you are considering, please know that we are very grateful!!! For those of you who prefer to simply read the blog and journey with us, please know that your presence (even in a distant cyberspacey way) is deeply felt and so appreciated. Your support has been felt by the two of us with every step.

Well, it's been lovely checking in, but there's a heckovalot of things to be done so I'd better scoot. Oh, by the way, I did finish up the painting portion of the nursery, thanks to both my wonderful hubby and my dad who helped with putting up a beautiful chair rail.

Adios!

Ashley



PS - Yes, I realize these aren't stellar. I'll try and take one during the daytime to give you a better idea. It's supposed to be a sky blue and latte tan color with off-white trim. It looks very boyish, but with a cute pastel pink it easily swings girl. Oh, and the closet doors are going away and that will become a built-in closet with cute curtains. I hate closet doors.

Adoption - Day 160

It's a new year and now is the time to launch into those New Year's Resolutions we have all made commitments to. I've made some resolutions of my own:

1) Begin the HCG Diet Program (through my chiropractor/nutritionist) and stick to it
2) Get back to Body Gospel
3) Get down to my pre-wedding weight of 125 lbs. by my birthday (May 26)
4) Finish the nursery as much as possible before knowing the gender by the end of March
5) Bring home Baby Ainley!!! This is not really in my control, but here's hoping!

So, I've got some goals. I decided to focus on the positive side of not being pregnant during this adoption process. No bodily changes. No severe mood swings, which if you think about it might not be a positive thing considering I can't blame my regular non-pregnant irritability on anything logical. "I'm sorry I'm so moody, it's the adoption hormones. They are skyrocketing." I'm not sure Tim will buy that. So, there are some really great parts of not being pregnant and becoming a mom all in one and so... Carpe Diem! I'm going to go for it. I'm determined to get myself in tip top shape, so that when baby comes I will have already established good eating and fitness habits.

Here's an update on where we are at. We just finished up our family profile book just last night. I have one more photo to drop in and we are running the book by our adoption agency program coordinator to ensure the book is exactly as it should be. Then all we need to do is print out 20 copies of the book, bind them up and ship them off to Georgia and badabing! We are officially on the waiting list. This is the point at which I will become much better at answering my phone. All those who are close to me can attest to just how horrible I am about answering my phone. I have a strong hatred (and love) for technology, especially when it constantly interrupts my daily life. I swear I was born to live in the 1800s on a farm in the middle of nowhere.

I thought it might be fun to let you all see the family book we've created, so I've attached a PDF to this posting. It's a snapshot of our lives, without going into locational specifics. This is the book that the prospective mothers will look through when considering a home for their baby. So, needless to say... it's only the most important piece. This is why it took us much longer to complete than we had originally anticipated. We wanted to be absolutely certain that we were representing ourselves truthfully and openly.

Well, that's pretty much all for now. I'm very excited about 2011. I think there are big big things in store for our family and I am excited about sharing it all with you as we experience it.

Happy 2011!


Check out our family book here. Be sure to select "View as Two-Up" in your Adobe PDF viewer.

Ainley Adoption Family Book

Adoption - Day 93

Boo!

I scared you, I know I did. Awww Halloween. My fifth favorite holiday of the year. That may not sound like much but the fifth spot is a very high place of honor. It's that last holiday I list before I whip out my other hand and move onto labor day, valentine's day, national tortilla chip day and national pecan day.

I love the fall, especially October, which is really the reason I haven't written a stitch this month. I've been soaking up the beautiful colors and festivities that fall has to offer. Things I love like reading, making headbands and cleaning my house to gospel music have been shifted to the back-burner while I delve into the wonderment that is fall. Like diving into a big pile of crunchy leaves you just raked up. What's not to love about fall? Crisp, foggy mornings, apples, rain boots, vivid colors, raindrops pounding the roof, pumpkin patches, birds flying south, pumpkin spice lattes, pulling out the warm duds from the attic, wearing a scarf for the first time in 6 months. Ohhh I just love it.

The only downfall about October is that it's followed by November. And November, for me, is when my absolute busiest (I mean crazy-busy) season ramps up at work. I usually start to feel it about the last week of October, and this year has been no exception.

Apart from work and my obsession with fall, there is just a few exciting things to update on the adoption front. The one thing that hasn't change is that, yes, we are still waiting on the FBI to process our fingerprints. This is week 10, so it should hopefully be in the next week or two that gets completed. But given the events of today's news and terror threats, I'm thinking our fingerprints may just fall to the bottom of the bin of importance.

But the exciting news is that we have been blessed immensely on the financial front. Coming into the adoption process we knew that it was going to take faith, patience and sacrifice to raise the mound of cash required to bring baby Ainley home. We've been blessed by some generous giving and we have also been pleasantly surprised by the random wads of cash God seems to sneak into our bank account completely out of the blue. Without going too much into the details, let's just say that we are 93 days in and we have raised just over 42% of the funds needed! It's incredible, absolutely incredible, to think as each day passes we receive more and more confirmation that this is exactly what God had in mind for us.

Now, we realize we still have quite a bit to go, but considering the pattern of things, we will keep moving forward, knees coiled, ready to jump for joy at the next blessing coming our way. We are ever so grateful for God's goodness throughout this process. I am especially thankful recently as I have had to dig in deep to discover God's love for me all over again as I battle with the self-doubts, depression and the grief of infertility. Each time I dig deeper, I'm never disappointed. God always meets me there and says, "It's okay. I understand. I know you're hurting and I know it's not fair, but you need to believe that I love every fiber of who you are and I created you just as you are. Now come into My embrace and let Me love you. Rest and be at peace as I work My perfect plan for you life. Trust me, you will be amazed."

So, I'm resting. It doesn't make the hard things easy, but with each wave of pain and grief is a sufficient dose of grace with a little side of blessing sauce to go with it. I'm resting in my big pile of crunchy fall leaves with my attic-scented scarf and pumpkin pie latte, as I soak in the beauty of this season and the beauty of God's plan He is weaving right before my very eyes.

Ciao!




















Photo Courtesy: Joanie Cahill

Adoption - Day 58

Note: I have updated our Paypal button to the right. Should be working now. Thanks!!

I suppose it is about time to give an update on the adoption process. I haven't had much to update about for the past month or so, primarily because we've simply been waiting for our fingerprints to come back. So here's where we are at:

We just had our second home-visit yesterday, which will be the final one until the post-placement. We are waiting on FBI fingerprints, as I mentioned, and the fingerprints have been in the FBI's hands for 5 weeks as of Tuesday (9/21). I called in to see if there was any update and all they could tell me is that the process time is 10-12 weeks and there isn't anything more to it than that. So, we're just about to the halfway point on waiting for the fingerprints to be returned. We should have the fingerprints back by the beginning of November.

We are also waiting on a few references and a few more paperwork items to be completed, which should be wrapped up in the next few weeks. We also have online courses to complete (10 total hours) of which we have finished 1 course (2 hours). We will finish those courses over the next month.

Once the fingerprints come back, our case worker, Mike, will do an official write-up of all the documents we have submitted and will send us about a 12-page document summarizing all of the information you could ever possibly want to know about us Ainleys. I'm sure it will be a riveting read. We then take a look, make any corrections, he makes the corrections, we give it one more once-over and then VOILE! The official home study is complete and will be submitted to the adoption agency (An Open Door).

I contacted our rep at the agency to answer a few more questions and nail down time frames. Once the home study is submitted, she accepts the application that same day, or within a few days. This then places us Ainleys on the waiting list. Yay!

We will be waiting to be matched with a birth mother. We could be matched as quickly as a few weeks, or up to several months. We get matched with a mother in her seventh month or later, which is just crazy to think about. Once we get that exciting phone call, we have two-ish months to wait until baby comes home...at the MOST!

We are so excited we can hardly stand it. We know that patience is a virtue and one that we will have to spend a great deal of time pursuing over the next 6+ months. They have told us that the average wait time from acceptance to placement of a baby in the home is approximately 6-9 months. So, we will be accepted into the program around Thanksgiving, giving us an "average" placement period of May - August 2011. Of course, we could always have that option where they call us and say..."A mother just gave birth and would like to adopt their baby out, would you like to consider this child?" That would bypass all averages and standard wait-times and is certainly a possibility.

So that's where we are along in the process. As for the personal things we are doing in preparation, I have begun drafting up ideas for the nursery. Most of you know we are going to do a french-vintage-whimsy themed nursery. I've posted some photos at the bottom. It all began with a stork my mom purchased for our future nursery 2 years ago.

We are also in the process of brainstorming ideas to raise funds. I have now added a "donate" button to my blog to the right margin. If anyone feels inclined to give, that would be the place to. All funds donated will go directly into the donation account set up at IQCU. We want to say thank you, in advance, for everyone's support, both financially and spiritually/emotionally. This is such a wonderful experience, and we are just enjoying the ride God is taking us on. It's not without strife and certainly not without hardship, but it is difficult to end each day without joy seeping in, reminding us of the little bundle coming our way.

We know that this must be God's plan and that it must be something really special and so good, because already I have felt the attacks that only come from Satan. I've had to fight the times of feeling inadequate, self-doubt, defeat, pity, insecurity and unworthiness. I have confidence that this is just one of the many blessings God has for us and it is most certainly His plan. That little baby out there is going to be loved to pieces and we just can't wait to meet him or her. There isn't an ill thought out there that could possibly squash this kind of anticipation, joy and honor.

Thank you, again and again, for all your support and for believing in us through this process. Your encouragement has not gone unnoticed. My soul eats it up like a hungry bear. It helps when the self-doubting, uncertain, defeating thoughts come haunting me.

Before I go, I wanted to leave you with a little story. I went in to Gymboree with my mom a few weeks ago and we couldn't help ourselves. We found some outrageously cute clothes that we had to scoop up. My mom took the clothes to the register and was chatting with the sales lady while I grabbed one more thing. As I approached the register, the lady says, how exciting for you, when are you due!?

I gasped and nearly burst into tears. I explained that I was adopting, so my due date is sort of on a sliding scale. It will be a surprise. They were all very excited for me and wished me luck. As I exited the store I teared up, not because I was sad, but because it was the first time anyone had ever asked me such a question. Something inside of my heart lurched forward and starting ticking. Like my "momma" time finally began. It didn't hit me that I am actually going to be a mother until that moment. I was thrilled and overwhelmed all in one. I may not have this baby growing inside of me, no matter how desperately I wish I did, but I deeply long for this baby. He or she is woven into the fabric of my life and I just can't wait to start each day looking into this baby's eyes and telling him or her how much of a precious gift he or she is.

That's all for now friends.