Adoption - Day 387

Speaking of days I will never forget...

It seems so blasé to say, "It's hard." The best summation of the past five days is a roller coaster with the peak and plummet being a little more than an hour apart. Isn't it true that it takes significantly longer to click, click, click to the peak of a coaster than it does to plunge into the downward dive? I've never been one for roller coasters because of the anticipation during the click, click, click on the way up, followed by my least favorite feeling of heart-in-throat panic as I fly, seemingly against my own will even though I willingly stepped aboard, to the bottom.

For those of you who haven't heard, we received the much-anticipated news of the little baby girl's birth shortly after 6:00 am on the 19th of August. She was born just after midnight. I had jolted out of bed nearly every hour on the hour throughout the night to see if I had any news. Tim and I hugged each other and laughed as we called each other momma and daddy. It was music to my ears to hear from the caseworker that, "She is very tired, but ready to move forward with the adoption process."

As the news sunk in, we were grinning from ear to ear, thanking Jesus all along the way for the answer to our prayers. It was surreal, the epitomy of cloud nine. Given the week we had experienced already, it seemed we had landed a sweet piece of land on cloud nine and were there to stay.

As a roller coaster does, after the climb to the top, there is a plunge. A plunge that came with the news of the mother's sudden change of heart.

I've asked, "Why?" a lot in the last 24+ hours. Why didn't I have my guard up more? Why didn't I see the signs of disconnect from Thalia as red flags? Why were we so foolish to commit our words to call her ours? Why did Thalia flip-flop within just 2 hours? How could this happen? And, the most common question I seem to ask: Why does God want us to endure this heartache?

It's not really that I have this woe-is-me attitude, it is more that I just don't understand. Yesterday, as Tim was driving me to the airport to fly home early from a wedding weekend in Oakland to be with my family, a few things came to mind. The old Ginny Owens song with the lyric,"I will go through the fire if You want me to," and, "You never said it would be easy. You only said I'll never go alone." And it got me thinking. These are the moments that define me, the moments that define my walk with Jesus. It is easy for me to blame God for this pain. It's easy for me to stop trusting Him and his so-called plan for my life. I had said all along that my most-fervent prayer was to be matched with the right baby. I prayed we wouldn't have to endure the pain of indecision. It is easy for me to think God doesn't listen, that prayer doesn't work, that He doesn't really care.

But...

Let me tell you. I love Jesus with all I am. If there is anything that gives me hope and restores my joy and gives me strength to stand when I have none, it is love that comes from Jesus. His love and the truth that He most certainly does care about me and my life and each moment I pass through, whether joyful or heartbreaking. He is holding me, taking all your prayers and washing them over me. I asked God to give me a verse to to calm my wretching heart. So, thanks to Jesus and Google,

I came across Psalm 73:26, which encouraged me and did what the popular song says, "dipped my heart in the streams of life." It says:

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"

Well, I could use a Claim-Jumper-sized portion of God and his love and strength right now. I want to say thank you to all of you. All of your prayers and well-wishes I have been overwhelmed by, in the good sense.

As for what's next, we don't really know. We both still long for our forever child, so I am sure that we will continue on. But for now, we take it each day at a time, knowing we are resting in His hands and He is healing our broken hearts. For now, and always, He is our portion.

With love and mercy from above,

AA