Speaking of days I will never forget...
It seems so blasé to say, "It's hard." The best summation of the past five days is a roller coaster with the peak and plummet being a little more than an hour apart. Isn't it true that it takes significantly longer to click, click, click to the peak of a coaster than it does to plunge into the downward dive? I've never been one for roller coasters because of the anticipation during the click, click, click on the way up, followed by my least favorite feeling of heart-in-throat panic as I fly, seemingly against my own will even though I willingly stepped aboard, to the bottom.
For those of you who haven't heard, we received the much-anticipated news of the little baby girl's birth shortly after 6:00 am on the 19th of August. She was born just after midnight. I had jolted out of bed nearly every hour on the hour throughout the night to see if I had any news. Tim and I hugged each other and laughed as we called each other momma and daddy. It was music to my ears to hear from the caseworker that, "She is very tired, but ready to move forward with the adoption process."
As the news sunk in, we were grinning from ear to ear, thanking Jesus all along the way for the answer to our prayers. It was surreal, the epitomy of cloud nine. Given the week we had experienced already, it seemed we had landed a sweet piece of land on cloud nine and were there to stay.
As a roller coaster does, after the climb to the top, there is a plunge. A plunge that came with the news of the mother's sudden change of heart.
I've asked, "Why?" a lot in the last 24+ hours. Why didn't I have my guard up more? Why didn't I see the signs of disconnect from Thalia as red flags? Why were we so foolish to commit our words to call her ours? Why did Thalia flip-flop within just 2 hours? How could this happen? And, the most common question I seem to ask: Why does God want us to endure this heartache?
It's not really that I have this woe-is-me attitude, it is more that I just don't understand. Yesterday, as Tim was driving me to the airport to fly home early from a wedding weekend in Oakland to be with my family, a few things came to mind. The old Ginny Owens song with the lyric,"I will go through the fire if You want me to," and, "You never said it would be easy. You only said I'll never go alone." And it got me thinking. These are the moments that define me, the moments that define my walk with Jesus. It is easy for me to blame God for this pain. It's easy for me to stop trusting Him and his so-called plan for my life. I had said all along that my most-fervent prayer was to be matched with the right baby. I prayed we wouldn't have to endure the pain of indecision. It is easy for me to think God doesn't listen, that prayer doesn't work, that He doesn't really care.
But...
Let me tell you. I love Jesus with all I am. If there is anything that gives me hope and restores my joy and gives me strength to stand when I have none, it is love that comes from Jesus. His love and the truth that He most certainly does care about me and my life and each moment I pass through, whether joyful or heartbreaking. He is holding me, taking all your prayers and washing them over me. I asked God to give me a verse to to calm my wretching heart. So, thanks to Jesus and Google,
I came across Psalm 73:26, which encouraged me and did what the popular song says, "dipped my heart in the streams of life." It says:
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
Well, I could use a Claim-Jumper-sized portion of God and his love and strength right now. I want to say thank you to all of you. All of your prayers and well-wishes I have been overwhelmed by, in the good sense.
As for what's next, we don't really know. We both still long for our forever child, so I am sure that we will continue on. But for now, we take it each day at a time, knowing we are resting in His hands and He is healing our broken hearts. For now, and always, He is our portion.
With love and mercy from above,
AA
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
The 16th Day of August, 2011
The sixteenth day of August, 2011 is a day I will never forget. You know, one of those days that burrows into your memory bank like a time capsule with all the sights, sounds, smells and feelings.
"Thursday?" I said.
"Yes, Thursday, as in two days from now," she said.
As my mind started reeling in this new information, my limbs from head to toe started tingling. It felt somewhat like being doused with ice water and set on fire at the same time. As the facts of the conversation spilled out from Debbie, our representative at our adoption agency in Georgia, I allowed my wildly spinning thoughts to latch onto just a few of the words as I mindlessly wrote down details. Words like "baby girl" and "born this Thursday" and "matched."
So, today I have the unbelievable pleasure of announcing that Tim and I will become parents to a baby girl in less than two weeks. Our baby girl, our daughter, will be born in Augusta, Georgia either via induced labor or c-section on Thursday, August 18th, 2011. The birth mother, Thalia, will sign the paperwork on either Friday or Saturday, which will determine when we depart for Georgia. We will leave for Georgia on either the evening of the 29th of August or the evening of the 30th.
I am quite convinced that words simply cannot sum up the joy that is running through my veins. I'm overwhelmed, overjoyed, deeply thankful and also a little terrified. We will launch right into being Mom and Dad in less than two weeks. I sit here looking at my calendar and in two weeks I have a book club meeting planned. I'm sure I was also thinking about what my grocery plans would be for the week and if we would plan a dinner with some friends that week. It makes me smile and giggle a little thinking about how God must have been smiling when I jotted down "Book Club Movie Night" on my calendar for August 30th, knowing in his omniscient way that I'd be in a hotel room in Atlanta, Georgia holding my newborn baby girl in my arms for the very first time.
I was just telling my dear friend Cambria last weekend how I finally feel like I have arrived at a place of peace with the adoption process. I suppose I arrived simply because I knew that if I continued to cling to what I would consider "control" I would only continue to suffer. I have to release the process into His hands and it really wasn't until last week that I felt like I fully let go. Isn't it funny how God plans things perfectly like that? If you would have asked me a week ago if I thought it was funny, God's timing, I'd probably have said, "No, not very funny at all. Frustrating is what I'd call it."
I'm in awe of God's mercy and grace, despite my reoccurring tantrums to "Gimme, gimme, gimme!" He has been patient with me and I can only imagine how excited He has been to share this moment with Tim and I all along. All I can do is turn to Him in gratitude and say thanks. Thank you, Jesus, for the outpouring of your blessing and favor on us. I know I am undeserving, but I am so very grateful You love us so much to bless us with a baby girl... and so quickly!
Speaking of quickly, suddenly all those things I felt were completed ages ago don't seem so complete. The nursery has so much to complete, I don't have any diapers, I don't have baby wipes, I have to get formula. How do I know what formula she will like? How do I know if she will be allergic to anything? How will I know her favorite way to be held? How will I know if she will even like wearing pink? What bottle will help prevent her from suffering colic? AHHHHHH!
Okay, deep breaths. I realize I need to take this one day at a time. But I suddenly feel so unprepared, so not-ready, so incompetent and unfit to be a mother! This is about the time I'd like to say I am internally panicking at the thought of taking on that kind of responsibility. Underneath all the excitement and joy is also a little bit of terror rumbling through me.
Well, I suppose that all I do know is that I'm ready to meet her and hold her. I already love her. So, I suppose that's just about the best place to begin. I will be grateful for the support and advice I receive from all my friends who are experienced moms.
It has been a thrill to tell our families. We told my parents yesterday, who were both shocked and excited, and then drove up to Seattle with my parents to spill the beans to Tim's parents. We were in their home when they arrived home, a little surprised to see us. But, you see, the Ainley crew is a very go-with-the-flow type of family, so they jumped right in to greeting us happily. It wasn't until we asked the question while holding up a cute pink gDiaper, "How do you think this would look on our daughter?" that the shock flashed across their faces. It was a joyous and memorable moment I'll keep treasured in the time capsule that will always be August 16th, 2011.
We have been sincerely blessed by the love and joyous reactions we have already experienced with many of you. It has made the experience that much more enjoyable and exciting to get to share this news time and time again. We feel so blessed and loved!
We have made quite a few phone calls and we get a lot of the same questions. Here are some of the most commonly asked questions that I have done my best to answer:
Do you have a name yet?
- No, not yet. Not because we don't want to tell anyone. Simply because we can't decide. Bertha or Agnes? You should really help us figure out this nail-biting decision between two obviously stellar selections. :) We will be sure and let everyone know the final name when we have it, which is likely going to be after we see her. We already received a front-runner nominee from our friend Tyler: Blood-Diesel Megabeard Ainley
So, you know, we REALLY appreciate your suggestions.
Is this a set-in-stone deal?
- There is always the possibility that the birth mother can change her mind. That is simply a reality of the situation. However, our adoption agency has indicated that this mother has remained emotionally disconnected from the process, which means she will likely stick with her decision. They have the feeling she will not likely change her mind.
How long will we be in Georgia?
- We will fly out on either the 29th or 30th of August and we will board the plane late enough in the day so that it is midnight in Georgia and the birth mother's rights are terminated. We will sign papers upon arrival right away and the papers are sent to Washington and Georgia where they are approved, which can take 1-2 days. We have been told to plan on being in Georgia for 5 days.
What is your financial status for raising funds?
- Well, this is an incredible question to answer! We have been so generously blessed by SO many of you who have given money to the cause. We have also been stashing away as much money as possible over the past year and we have $16,000 raised. I spoke with Debbie yesterday and we now owe the agency $2,000 and we will owe an additional $17,250 when we arrive. There will also be the cost to fly there, get a rental car, stay in a hotel and buy food. So, the total that we are short at this point is roughly $4,500. We will eventually have legal fees with our attorney in Washington to finalize the adoption, but that's something we can address later. What is SO amazing to me is how God has richly blessed us with the $16,000 we already have and I am also amazed because the total is actually $3,000 less than what we were anticipating! Although we are short the $4,500, we are going to trust and I am certain that we will be amazed at the way God provides the rest of the money. If you were looking for a specific area to pray for, this would be a great one!
Are you ready? Meaning, do you have everything you need?
- My mom and I have purchased some of the essentials to get us through the first few weeks and our time down in Georgia. We will be taking it one day at a time, but it looks like we will be just fine heading into the first initial weeks.
What about a baby shower?
- My sister-in-law, Nicole will be hosting a baby shower in September some time and we will keep everyone posted. It will be a great opportunity to meet baby for the first time. If you must know, since several of you have asked, yes we are registered. We are registered at Babies R Us and Cotton Babies.
What are you most looking forward to?
- Holding our daughter for the first time. And then a close second, for me anyway, is to look up and watch my husband's eyes transform into being the father of our daughter. I can't wait.
Well, this is the longest post I've done to date. Like I said in a previous blog, I can tend to get long-winded. But, I make no apologies on this very special day. I'll shout it from the rooftops. We are having a baby girl and we cannot contain our joy and anticipation! Thank you to everyone who has prayed such sincere and faithful prayers for God's blessing on our lives in the form of this little one. Your support has wrapped us up in a blanket of love with each step. We are looking forward to opening that blanket up to our daughter and enveloping her in a legacy of love and joy that comes from Jesus... in just 12 days!
If I could ask one favor, something that would be really special to give to our daughter some day is a booklet of prayers/Bible verses from the friends and family that prayed for her on this day (and other days too!). If you are willing, would you send me just a simple little prayer of blessing over her that I can put into a book for her to read one day? It doesn't have to be elaborate, but it can be if you want to. Please just go ahead and email me at ittybittyainley@gmail.com. It would be so much to me!
God bless you all!
Momma AA
PS - Since no one was there when I reacted to the news, I took a voice memo just minutes after I heard the news. It's kind of funny and it's the most sincere thing I've ever recorded in my life. I've attached it below if you care to take a listen.
Listen Here
"Thursday?" I said.
"Yes, Thursday, as in two days from now," she said.
As my mind started reeling in this new information, my limbs from head to toe started tingling. It felt somewhat like being doused with ice water and set on fire at the same time. As the facts of the conversation spilled out from Debbie, our representative at our adoption agency in Georgia, I allowed my wildly spinning thoughts to latch onto just a few of the words as I mindlessly wrote down details. Words like "baby girl" and "born this Thursday" and "matched."
So, today I have the unbelievable pleasure of announcing that Tim and I will become parents to a baby girl in less than two weeks. Our baby girl, our daughter, will be born in Augusta, Georgia either via induced labor or c-section on Thursday, August 18th, 2011. The birth mother, Thalia, will sign the paperwork on either Friday or Saturday, which will determine when we depart for Georgia. We will leave for Georgia on either the evening of the 29th of August or the evening of the 30th.
I am quite convinced that words simply cannot sum up the joy that is running through my veins. I'm overwhelmed, overjoyed, deeply thankful and also a little terrified. We will launch right into being Mom and Dad in less than two weeks. I sit here looking at my calendar and in two weeks I have a book club meeting planned. I'm sure I was also thinking about what my grocery plans would be for the week and if we would plan a dinner with some friends that week. It makes me smile and giggle a little thinking about how God must have been smiling when I jotted down "Book Club Movie Night" on my calendar for August 30th, knowing in his omniscient way that I'd be in a hotel room in Atlanta, Georgia holding my newborn baby girl in my arms for the very first time.
I was just telling my dear friend Cambria last weekend how I finally feel like I have arrived at a place of peace with the adoption process. I suppose I arrived simply because I knew that if I continued to cling to what I would consider "control" I would only continue to suffer. I have to release the process into His hands and it really wasn't until last week that I felt like I fully let go. Isn't it funny how God plans things perfectly like that? If you would have asked me a week ago if I thought it was funny, God's timing, I'd probably have said, "No, not very funny at all. Frustrating is what I'd call it."
I'm in awe of God's mercy and grace, despite my reoccurring tantrums to "Gimme, gimme, gimme!" He has been patient with me and I can only imagine how excited He has been to share this moment with Tim and I all along. All I can do is turn to Him in gratitude and say thanks. Thank you, Jesus, for the outpouring of your blessing and favor on us. I know I am undeserving, but I am so very grateful You love us so much to bless us with a baby girl... and so quickly!
Speaking of quickly, suddenly all those things I felt were completed ages ago don't seem so complete. The nursery has so much to complete, I don't have any diapers, I don't have baby wipes, I have to get formula. How do I know what formula she will like? How do I know if she will be allergic to anything? How will I know her favorite way to be held? How will I know if she will even like wearing pink? What bottle will help prevent her from suffering colic? AHHHHHH!
Okay, deep breaths. I realize I need to take this one day at a time. But I suddenly feel so unprepared, so not-ready, so incompetent and unfit to be a mother! This is about the time I'd like to say I am internally panicking at the thought of taking on that kind of responsibility. Underneath all the excitement and joy is also a little bit of terror rumbling through me.
Well, I suppose that all I do know is that I'm ready to meet her and hold her. I already love her. So, I suppose that's just about the best place to begin. I will be grateful for the support and advice I receive from all my friends who are experienced moms.
It has been a thrill to tell our families. We told my parents yesterday, who were both shocked and excited, and then drove up to Seattle with my parents to spill the beans to Tim's parents. We were in their home when they arrived home, a little surprised to see us. But, you see, the Ainley crew is a very go-with-the-flow type of family, so they jumped right in to greeting us happily. It wasn't until we asked the question while holding up a cute pink gDiaper, "How do you think this would look on our daughter?" that the shock flashed across their faces. It was a joyous and memorable moment I'll keep treasured in the time capsule that will always be August 16th, 2011.
We have been sincerely blessed by the love and joyous reactions we have already experienced with many of you. It has made the experience that much more enjoyable and exciting to get to share this news time and time again. We feel so blessed and loved!
We have made quite a few phone calls and we get a lot of the same questions. Here are some of the most commonly asked questions that I have done my best to answer:
Do you have a name yet?
- No, not yet. Not because we don't want to tell anyone. Simply because we can't decide. Bertha or Agnes? You should really help us figure out this nail-biting decision between two obviously stellar selections. :) We will be sure and let everyone know the final name when we have it, which is likely going to be after we see her. We already received a front-runner nominee from our friend Tyler: Blood-Diesel Megabeard Ainley
So, you know, we REALLY appreciate your suggestions.
Is this a set-in-stone deal?
- There is always the possibility that the birth mother can change her mind. That is simply a reality of the situation. However, our adoption agency has indicated that this mother has remained emotionally disconnected from the process, which means she will likely stick with her decision. They have the feeling she will not likely change her mind.
How long will we be in Georgia?
- We will fly out on either the 29th or 30th of August and we will board the plane late enough in the day so that it is midnight in Georgia and the birth mother's rights are terminated. We will sign papers upon arrival right away and the papers are sent to Washington and Georgia where they are approved, which can take 1-2 days. We have been told to plan on being in Georgia for 5 days.
What is your financial status for raising funds?
- Well, this is an incredible question to answer! We have been so generously blessed by SO many of you who have given money to the cause. We have also been stashing away as much money as possible over the past year and we have $16,000 raised. I spoke with Debbie yesterday and we now owe the agency $2,000 and we will owe an additional $17,250 when we arrive. There will also be the cost to fly there, get a rental car, stay in a hotel and buy food. So, the total that we are short at this point is roughly $4,500. We will eventually have legal fees with our attorney in Washington to finalize the adoption, but that's something we can address later. What is SO amazing to me is how God has richly blessed us with the $16,000 we already have and I am also amazed because the total is actually $3,000 less than what we were anticipating! Although we are short the $4,500, we are going to trust and I am certain that we will be amazed at the way God provides the rest of the money. If you were looking for a specific area to pray for, this would be a great one!
Are you ready? Meaning, do you have everything you need?
- My mom and I have purchased some of the essentials to get us through the first few weeks and our time down in Georgia. We will be taking it one day at a time, but it looks like we will be just fine heading into the first initial weeks.
What about a baby shower?
- My sister-in-law, Nicole will be hosting a baby shower in September some time and we will keep everyone posted. It will be a great opportunity to meet baby for the first time. If you must know, since several of you have asked, yes we are registered. We are registered at Babies R Us and Cotton Babies.
What are you most looking forward to?
- Holding our daughter for the first time. And then a close second, for me anyway, is to look up and watch my husband's eyes transform into being the father of our daughter. I can't wait.
Well, this is the longest post I've done to date. Like I said in a previous blog, I can tend to get long-winded. But, I make no apologies on this very special day. I'll shout it from the rooftops. We are having a baby girl and we cannot contain our joy and anticipation! Thank you to everyone who has prayed such sincere and faithful prayers for God's blessing on our lives in the form of this little one. Your support has wrapped us up in a blanket of love with each step. We are looking forward to opening that blanket up to our daughter and enveloping her in a legacy of love and joy that comes from Jesus... in just 12 days!
If I could ask one favor, something that would be really special to give to our daughter some day is a booklet of prayers/Bible verses from the friends and family that prayed for her on this day (and other days too!). If you are willing, would you send me just a simple little prayer of blessing over her that I can put into a book for her to read one day? It doesn't have to be elaborate, but it can be if you want to. Please just go ahead and email me at ittybittyainley@gmail.com. It would be so much to me!
God bless you all!
Momma AA
PS - Since no one was there when I reacted to the news, I took a voice memo just minutes after I heard the news. It's kind of funny and it's the most sincere thing I've ever recorded in my life. I've attached it below if you care to take a listen.
Listen Here
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