Eye Didn't Lie

So, I went to the eye doctor today with my sister-in-law, Nicole, for a joint appointment to have our eyes checked out.

Whenever I go to the eye doctor, the same story from my childhood comes rolling back. Yes, I'm guilty. Of what? Of lying during my eye exam when I was in third grade just so that I could get glasses. Let's just say it wasn't one of my prouder moments in life, but I sure get a good laugh thinking about it now.

What's even better is that I didn't reveal my dirty little secret until I was in college at dinner with my family. To my parents' astonishment, they learned that their daughter had lied to get glasses. I grinned sheepishly at the table, but they had a bone to pick with me. After all, glasses aren't free, nor are they cheap.

So, I'm sorry parents for lying way back when. But you have to admit it's a good story.

This was my first time to the eye doctor in five years, so this would be the first time I was footing the bill for the exam and potential glasses. So, you'd better believe I gave it all I had to see even the smallest lines. No fibbing here.

He said my vision is great, just need some very mild reading glasses. We had one hoot of a time, though. Best time I've had at the doctor's possibly ever. I highly recommend the doctor buddy system.

Just for your viewing pleasure I brought home a souvenir. Photos of the inside of my eyeballs! I don't know about you but I get a very "Innerspace" (Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid) vibe from the photos. "Twistin', Twistin', Twistin' the night away..."

(Note: The black carwash-like phalanges are my eyelashes.)

Redeeming Love

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee;
let the water and the blood,
from thy wounded side which flowed,
be of sin the double cure;
save from wrath and make me pure.


Not the labors of my hands
can fulfill thy law's commands;
could my zeal no respite know,
could my tears forever flow,
all for sin could not atone;
thou must save, and thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
simply to the cross I cling;
naked, come to thee for dress;
helpless, look to thee for grace;
foul, I to the fountain fly;
wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
when mine eyes shall close in death,
when I soar to worlds unknown,
see thee on thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee.

I just finished reading "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. I know I'm probably the last soul on earth to discover this precious gem, but better late than never.

I have had a difficult time trying to put into words my review of such a masterpiece. Each time I try, my eyes well up with tears at such beauty. The story is the retelling of the book of Hosea from the Bible. Set in the gold-rush of California in the 1800s, the story begins with the tragic and horrifying reality that created the character Sarah/Angel/Tirzah/Mara/Amanda. Her childhood and early adulthood is filled with unspeakable torture and sinful wrath, utterly rotting her from the inside out.

Without spoiling the whole story, because it honestly deserves to be read, the story is one of ultimate redemption. Of reaching into darkness and bringing a rotting corpse of a soul back to radiant life. A story of the ultimate, incomparable redemption freely available to us all.

I was out in my garden weeding like crazy on Saturday and I stopped mid-pull, hunched over on my knees and sobbed. I came to a very significant realization. Part of the story touches on pregnancy and the pang of barrenness came rushing back inside me like a wave and knocked me off my feet. With all of the excitement and anticipation of the adoption process, I had naively believed the sadness in my heart from two fruitless years would be filled with a new longing. While I am overflowing with joy and I am, as I have noted before, thrilled about what is ahead, I continue to yearn for biological children. It's an equal longing I now have for my adopted children, but because of the indubitable nature of adoption, the uncertainty of whether I will ever be pregnant still haunts me.

The realization, as dirt-streaked tears fell from my face, was that I had blamed God for my pain, suffering and impatience. I had been angry with Him for my barrenness. As I was reading, I realized that I am His dearly beloved. Each time I am faced with a less-than-desirable circumstance, I turn and shake my fist at the sky like He is some unruly child holding a magnifying glass to me just waiting to burn me when I get excited about something. As I was reading the book I realized just how wrong I have been. I am loved so much that every time I shake my fist at Him, He just smiles down at me waiting for me to realize that He loves me and His timing is perfect.

I may not understand–I rarely do–but I have to look at the facts of my life. Has He ever let me down? No. Have I ever endured pain beyond what I could bear? No. Have I been so absurdly blessed even though what I really deserve is a swift kick in the rear? Yes.

I am happy and blessed and although that blessing doesn't include being pregnant at this time, or maybe ever, I will go on knowing that His love for me surpasses my understanding. All the pain I feel, He simply wants me to lay it down at His feet and walk away knowing that the Creator of all things, from the intangible air we breathe, to the warmth of a loving relationship, He cares and always knows what is best for me.

If you didn't read the hymn above, I really think you should. It's so wonderful and it speaks volumes to me about the depth of God's love. And it just so happens to be an important song to the book "Redeeming Love."

Body Gospel - Day 15

Just a little blogging update on my workout program, Body Gospel.

It's day 15 and I have to say that I am thoroughly enjoying the program. It gives me something to look forward to. For the first time in a very, very long time I am actually enjoying working out. Before this I would come up with every excuse in the book from "I'm too tired" to "My elbow hurts" so that I could get out of working out.

I finally feel motivated and I'm telling you, if I can do it, anyone can. In high school and college I had the discipline of a horse. But it has been a few years since then and when it comes to fitness my discipline is more in line with say a porpoise or fig newton. I just wouldn't do it.

I did accidentally leave my Body Gospel workout bands (stretchy resistance bands) at my in-laws over the weekend, but I have just been improvising, utilizing other videos to keep me going.

Once I get to day 20, I will do a re-evaluation and note any weight loss. I'm hoping I get to be one of those people who holds up pants in front of them that are ridiculously huge. I think I just may go buy some extremely large pants and do that just for kicks.

Adoption - Day 10

We finished the first portion of our homestudy last night, which was the in-home visit. It wasn't anything like I expected, though my expectations were all over the place.

Thankfully, coming into the evening, I had the reassurance that Tim has a history with Mike–the social worker who conducted the interview. I figure anyone who knows Tim knows the tender and compassionate heart he has, which certainly bodes well for us in the acceptance process. But Mike knew nothing about me. What if opposites attract and Tim married some crazy heartless witch-like creature that he vowed to spend his life trying to soften and turn from her heartless, crazy ways?

So, I was a little anxious, you could say. I looked online to see what other prospective parents had experienced during this portion and the majority seemed to say this was going to be an intense evening.

It wasn't. We could have had my parents over for coffee and had a similar experience. Mike was gentle with us and, most of all, reassuring and encouraging. He didn't go around our home swiping his finger across every smooth surface and then jotting down notes furiously if any spec of dust wafted into the air. I suppose I shouldn't have gone all pillow-nazi on Tim when he didn't stack the pillows on the bed in perfect form. Sorry babe.

Mike just wanted to know about us, not about how well we cleaned or how close to perfect we would be as parents, but just who we are as individuals and as a couple. We told the story of our journey from graduating high school, to meeting each other, to where we are now. He then gave us some really sound advice on adoption and gave us an overview of what we can expect. He urged us to be patient. The process can be long and with plenty of false alarms to getting matched with a mother/baby.

One of the things I liked the best from what he said was that the birth mother is courageous for two reasons: 1) She has chosen to give this baby life, rather than abort the baby and 2) She has chosen to adopt her baby out, knowing her limitations could not provide the best life for the baby. I had never considered the birth mother being courageous before. I suppose I had always envisioned baby's being put up for adoption by mothers who didn't want their children. It was a brand new way to consider it and one that I have now, no pun intended, adopted as my own. It is courageous. And I have made a commitment to thank God every day that this mother out there somewhere is making that very courageous decision to keep our baby in her womb and give our baby over for adoption to eventually become part of our family. It moves me. I get all weepy just thinking about it.

So that I don't ramble on and on, I will sum up the experience to say that it was thoroughly enjoyable. At no point did I feel like I was in an FBI room being questioned about my intentions. It was comfortable and reassuring. It has now also made this feel very official. The paperwork itself was very official, but this was checking a seriously large step off the list and it is on the brink of setting in.

I'm thrilled. It's an understatement, but it's true. I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude that God planted this seed in my heart during the drought in my life over the past two years and little did I know that a drought is just what this little seed needed to become something grand, something altogether beautiful. I'm just beginning to envision my baby out there somewhere it is just plain wonderful and warming. It's a peace and love so deep in my soul, it permeates my whole body, into my bones. I'm ready to be a mother and I'm ever so grateful that I have been chosen for this moment and this time to become a mother to a little baby that may not even be conceived yet!

Thank you everyone who has reached out to me and given me words of encouragement and support. I cannot even begin to describe how loved and supported I feel. After two years of internal grieving, it is so absolutely wonderful to look around and see so many people cheering us on.

Before I sign off from this blog post, I wanted to post a little something for my baby-to-be out there. I'll want to show him or her this one day to show them just how much we yearned for just exactly them and how much we intend to adore them every day of their life.

...So, little baby Ainley, wherever you are, I want you to know you are loved. Loved so deeply that it makes us leap for some pretty serious joy. We can't wait to meet you and spend the rest of our lives learning everything about you. You're special and we know it. You are just right for us and we are counting the days until we hold you in our arms and tell you for the first time that you are ours, really ours. You are our little gift. We will tell you every day how wonderful and special you are and how much of a gift you are to our lives. We love you, little baby Ainley. And we always will.


So, thank you for reading, friends. And that's all for now. I need a tissue.

This is us, just before Mike arrived. We look excited or nervous. I can't tell.













A great passage I just came across.

Psalm 113

1 Praise the LORD. [a]
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

2 Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.

5 Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

9 He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

Elyon's Garden - Mini Harvest

Beans! I have beans growing in my garden and they are just a few days away from chow time. Little do they know their days of basking in the sunshine are numbered! I'm so happy I could cry.

I planted a garden for the first time this year. I was inspired to have a garden primarily because, well, I've always wanted one and also because I used to garden with my grandparents, so I suppose you could say it all started 20+ years ago.

When my parents offered their grassy field to serve as my gardening oasis, I jumped at the opportunity.

If you live in the northwest, you know the kind of spring and summer we have had–none at all. So, of all the years to start a garden, this wasn't the best. But, alas, my spirits have stayed high and it's starting to pay off! The beans look fantastic and here's some other veggies/fruits coming down the pike:

Corn, cucumbers, cantaloupe, red bell peppers, green bell peppers, yellow bell peppers, raspberries, broccoli, green onions, pumpkins and tomatoes!

The tomatoes are among the most promising. I opted to use four large Topsy Turvy tree bags to grow the tomatoes and my goodness they are going nuts! I will have tomatoes coming out of my ears in just a few weeks.

Anyway, it has been a labor of love, with plenty of labor to go around, but it has been worth it. I named the garden Elyon's Garden based on the character "Elyon" from Ted Dekker's circle series (Black, Red, White). I HIGHLY recommend them. It's a very special and dear character to me.

So, here's to my beans and a beautiful sunny day on this August 5th day.

Body Gospel - Day 1

Well, this marks the start of my journey to losing some weight and toning up over the next six weeks.

I think my lack of motivation stemmed from 1) fear of quitting/failure 2) anticipating getting pregnant, so why lose weight I will regain? 3) lack of self-confidence. But here I am on day one. I believe I noted that I would post a before photo, but I think I'm just going to hold onto that until the end.

I just finished working out and I love the program already. I know it may be on the corny side with hallelujahs throughout the workout, but it keeps me going and builds me up.

Day 1, you're history. Onto the next!

Adoption - Day 5

An Open Door

The reason we chose the agency we did is because of this statement they have listed in their information packet. It moves me. I have such a hatred for abortion and a passion to save unborn children that I feel compelled to move forward with an adoption agency that abhors abortion, too.

"We are concerned for the lives of all children, regardless of race, and are among the few agencies who place minority children. Few Southeastern families are waiting to adopt these children, and placement fees in distant states fall far short of the cost of services. Yes, we could reduce the cost of our adoption services if we offered services in only a few major cities. But, here in Georgia, no other agency reaches every small town or the many minority birth mothers who are turned away by other agencies. If we regarded adoptive parents as our primary client, we would eliminate these services and offer lower fees. However, our mission is to save the lives of children and change the lives of their young mothers."

Now that's what I call divine purpose.